Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Randomize
