I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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