So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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