At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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