Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Just fell off a train. Bad.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
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