If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize