That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Randomize
