Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
