Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
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