Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Randomize
