Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
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