Sorry, I don't speak sober.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
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