Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
