Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Randomize
