that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I enjoy the company of your penis
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
