We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
i now understand why vodka
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
