She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
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