i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
