so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Randomize
