I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
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