worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
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