it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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