now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
