just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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