I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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