I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
