I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
