I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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