best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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