u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
