She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Randomize
