Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Randomize
