a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
where are you?
Hypothermia
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
