Heybabeimwearingurpanties
we made out on top of his cat.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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