I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Randomize
