i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Randomize
