"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
