We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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