I wish I could teleport
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Randomize
