im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
