the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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