Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize