if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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