Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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