I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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