I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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