took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Randomize