I just made out with a guy for $7.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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