Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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