Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
The feeling are messing with the penis
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize