3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
