Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
