"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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