I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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