We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
