Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
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