I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize