I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
