It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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