I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
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