I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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