Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
