Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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