this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Randomize
