So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Say something about gay babies.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
pray to the hookup gods
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
